Have I Made Myself Clear? #5 | he's a bachelor.

Dear reader,

My time has miraculously been returned to me in its fullness. Where sporadic commitments and learning opportunities used to dot my calendar like a moderate case of the Measles, my dates are now clean, fresh and… empty. Oh, what a blessing! To be granted time - my freedom is mine, mine with which to do as I please. What do I please…? I don’t know.

I’m an infant, still. I’ve graduated a few times before, and this hollow feeling always chases not far behind. Is this… it? Is this greyness the material within which I’m supposed to now build my life? I liked seeing my friends every day, I liked that my focus could be divided between aspects of the craft I love. I guess I could continue that timeline… alone.

My friends, as it always seems, have already found better things. Better people. The proverbial bridges behind me have already been burning for some time, I shouldn’t act surprised when the smoke turns to detritus. It doesn’t make it less lonely.

There’s a Willy Wagtail outside my window. I don’t suppose he’s particularly bothered that he has to decide what to do today. He’s just happy not to be in some bigger thing’s maw.

I made a big decision recently. It involved the kind of closure and commitment to myself that I didn’t even know I possessed. I said goodbye to somebody.

And I felt comfortable to do so partly because I thought I had somebody new in my life. I thought I would be closing a door to open a window — but that didn’t pan out. She didn’t stay. And now I’m once again in a room with no ventilation. It’s musty in here.

I’m not 100% sure on where one might find this film for free, but I would recommend seeking it out. The Fall by Jonathon Glazer of Under the Skin & Zone of Interest renown.

May fate find us on a better morning.